Infertility Journey of Nikki

 I could really feel the difference between all the days this week. Being my first week back at school, in some ways it was good to have such a distraction during the day. Saturday was nice - I felt like I appreciated just spending time with my son. We played at a neighbor's for the morning, and her and I had coffee and a heartfelt chat. In the afternoon, we ran errands together, got takeout for dinner, and played outside a lot since it was so nice out. I loved just being able to be with him.  Today being Sunday I feel like I had the Sunday scaries - I felt like my mind wandered a lot more and I had to actively avoid the doom scrolling and Googling. I just feel like it was heavy on my mind today what all has been going on.  I did confide in my husband's family at dinner and let them know about the second and third losses we had. We had never shared because the timing hasn't been good - the second loss happened around Mother's Day, and my third was when my mother in law ...

 I had therapy yesterday, and the thing that stuck out to me most was some perspective my therapist gave me. It came up when we talked about how we won't be trying for a baby next month, because we are going to focus instead on testing and finding some answers. My therapist pointed out that it has literally been a full calendar year of being pregnant and not over and over again. September 2024 - pregnant with baby 2 December 2024 - loss #1 March 2025 - pregnant with baby 3  May 2025 - loss #2 July 2025 - pregnant with baby 4 August 2025 - loss #3 Basically, she was saying while of course the mental and emotional toll has been a lot over a year, it's also been tough physically on my body for an entire year. I haven't had a break from trying for a baby in almost a year and a half. So, while it stresses me to not be actively trying next month, it will be interesting mentally to not test my ovulation, not worry about timing sex, not worry about keeping my body perfectly safe li...

 Not going to lie, this weekend has been a struggle. I've been emotional all weekend. Some of that I'm sure is due to the hormonal things happening with my D&C, the emotional toll with the third loss, but also with going back to work and feeling the mom guilt of losing so much time with Cooper. This summer he got to sleep until 7:30, have breakfast in PJs, watch Paw Patrol before he decided what he wanted to eat, played with his toys almost whenever he wanted, got to do a sports class, go on a family vacation, spend lots of time outside and see friends. Now, we adjust back to work schedule. Meaning he will have to be up by 6:45, out the door at 7:00. Mondays he will be with my mom, which is good, but I also worry about how my mom will do with it. He is an active 3 year old, and she's not comfortable taking him anywhere or leaving her dog alone, and I'm not sure how he will do playing inside all day. But, the good news is it's only once a week, and next year he...

 Today was the day of my 3rd D&C. I feel like I remember less and less each time. They actually were running ahead of schedule so I had my surgery about 20-30 minutes earlier than anticipated and was only about the hospital for a few hours. We dropped our dog off to get his haircut and our son off for daycare beforehand. The blood draw was done to send off for genetic testing, I was hooked up to an IV and got my pain meds and relaxation drugs, got wheeled off to the surgery room. I had the oxygen mask put on and the next thing I remember was waking up in the post op room, crying, as usual. I stayed there for probably 45 minutes and then got to go up to a room and see my husband, drink water, eat crackers and go to the bathroom.  I called my OB's office already to reschedule my appointment to 2 weeks postop instead of 4 weeks which makes me feel better. She said I'll discuss scheduling my hysteroscopy and biopsy at that appointment, which should be okay. I anticipate gettin...

 I guess I was happy with myself today. I've been keeping the news to myself. Not sure why. I did email my therapist and tell her, and I ended up telling a few friends and my boss because she came in when I was working in my classroom.  I am feeling so sad. But sad because I can't be happy until this is over. I do not know how I can feel happy with my life and with myself until I have another child. And now it feels like the chances of that happening are getting smaller and smaller. I do not know how I can move on from this. I am angry that I do not have answers. I am sick of hearing that it is bad luck. It does not make sense to me. I am so angry this keeps happening. Was Cooper a miracle baby? Did something happen to me in my body after Cooper was born? Why isn't this something we know more about medically?  No one understands completely how this feels. I know people do, but I wish I just had someone who got it completely. My mom changes the subject when I bring things ...

 Yesterday I had my 8 week follow up ultrasound. I had a new OB I hadn't seen before, and I did really like her. She was very interested in hearing my whole history with my son, HELLP syndrome, my c-section, and losses. She was very optimistic about the appointment. The ultrasound started and she even told me I have a retroverted uterus which no one has told me before.  Unfortunately, when she got to the baby, it had stopped developing and did not have a heartbeat anymore. I think my immediate reactions were surprise and anger, but I started crying and couldn't stop when she had to find another doctor to confirm her findings. Again, thankfully my husband was there this time.  Today I am feeling angry. I am sick of hearing that this could be bad luck. That literally makes no sense to me that something that happens like this would happen 3 times in a row. That is not luck. And now I am stuck in this waiting period again. My surgery is in 3 days, and my follow up appointment...

 The feeling I have been having recently is anxiety. My therapist and I talked about avoiding Googling and online stuff and I do think that helps. While the subreddits I browse can be helpful, right now they just send me spiraling a lot of the time and it's not helpful when I'm trying to stay positive.  I felt nervous the last couple days especially. I had friends over last night and we just hung out outside, having pizza and chatting. I came inside and realized I had a few mosquito bites. I immediately thought about West Nile, and worried about what might happen. I told my husband, and he reassured me that I was fine, but I did end up calling the nurses this morning. Their response was very much "You are fine, do not worry another minute."  My other issue is that I don't have a lot of noticeable symptoms. With my previous pregnancies, I definitely had noticeable nausea. I haven't had that at all. I know sometimes that with a toddler, I might just be so busy o...

 Well, I got the shock of my life today. I went in for my ultrasound, thankfully with my husband. It was at the hospital, which I hate, and there was a big accident so we ended up arriving just on time since my husband insisted on leaving early. I feel like I sort of accepted that I was probably going to get bad news going into today. The last thing I had done at the doctor was an ultrasound with just a sac, and my HCG results going up but not doubling as anticipated. It feels like forever ago. Today, she did the ultrasound and we saw the baby! There was a measurable gestational sac that measured right on with 7 weeks of pregnancy. We couldn't hear it, but there was a heartbeat of about 140. The OB is not my favorite, and she did say "I wasn't really expecting that either." I have to go back next week for another ultrasound, which I'm happy about since I am so anxious now.  I teared up during the ultrasound. I didn't look at the screen right away because I was...

 I'm not sure what I came here to write about but it felt like I should. Tomorrow is the appointment for the ultrasound. I feel like I've known since the last ultrasound that this baby isn't going to make it. But I hope there's still a small chance they will. I feel like each pregnancy gets worse. I keep feeling like trying this 4th time was a huge mistake, and I should have just done the testing I needed to do. I feel stupid. I'm mad at myself.  I did make a list of questions to ask the doctor about.  Is there any better way to monitor a pregnancy next time? More HCG? The waiting period between ultrasounds was awful. Do you have any insight on my thyroid antibodies result? Can I use a referral to an endocrinologist? Should I get my thyroid retested next week as suggested? Is it more worthwhile at this point to keep trying or take a pause while we get all the testing done? Is there anymore testing you can offer through your office? We have done: blood clotting disor...