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8/24

 I could really feel the difference between all the days this week.

Being my first week back at school, in some ways it was good to have such a distraction during the day. Saturday was nice - I felt like I appreciated just spending time with my son. We played at a neighbor's for the morning, and her and I had coffee and a heartfelt chat. In the afternoon, we ran errands together, got takeout for dinner, and played outside a lot since it was so nice out. I loved just being able to be with him. 

Today being Sunday I feel like I had the Sunday scaries - I felt like my mind wandered a lot more and I had to actively avoid the doom scrolling and Googling. I just feel like it was heavy on my mind today what all has been going on. 

I did confide in my husband's family at dinner and let them know about the second and third losses we had. We had never shared because the timing hasn't been good - the second loss happened around Mother's Day, and my third was when my mother in law was having a health scare. It feels good that they know, and I know they will be supportive. 

Lately what has been on my mind a lot is how no one relates to me anymore. I have many friends and acquaintances who have been through infertility and miscarriage. But I don't know anyone personally who has had 3 miscarriages in a row. It feels isolating to have this - like I'm a pity case I guess. I feel like someone's fears and worse case scenario. 

I also struggle with finding community online too. I actually really liked this group I found where we met once a week for a month online with a miscarriage doula. We all have living children but have experienced loss. The doula is offering more sessions but the timing isn't great with my husband's work schedule right now. In addition, I am not sure if I'm going to like this book I bought - it talks about infertility, but so far seems to focus more on people who struggle to get pregnant at all. While obviously their struggle is completely valid, I feel like I'm left out the conversation when I keep having miscarriages but can get pregnant. It can also be hard to find discussion groups online where you can mention having living children while going through infertility. I completely understand the trigger to people, but it's also not something I can not mention in my daily life.

I did put my miscarriage history into ChatGPT. That might be dumb, but I felt like it was sort of helpful. It said that all the losses are consistent with random genetic abnormalities and likely not caused by the same underlying defect. It also said that since the losses were due to different chromosomal causes, the outlook is better than unexplained or from an ongoing factor. I'm also considering the genetic counseling from the place that tested our baby. 

I am really looking forward to my husband being off work tomorrow night so we can talk through some things: the genetic testing result, my ChatGPT findings, his thoughts about the genetic counseling appointment.

It's also been bothering me a bit that I now know the baby that died was a girl. I've lost 2 girls now that I know of. It makes me really sad, and like I'm not meant to have a girl. 

Lastly, my son said he was sick before bed and I'm worried about him. I just wish I could snuggle him. 

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