Infertility Journey of Nikki

 Well, I think my problem right now is I don't even know what is wrong with me. I tried a virtual support group from Postpartum Support International, on recommendation by my therapist. I had talked about how I did a virtual support group for 4 weeks on Zoom, but wasn't able to do another with the schedule and she told me they have free sessions available.  I was surprised how scared I was when the session started. There were like 15 of us there. The leader talked about types of illnesses like postpartum depression and types of infertility and then we spent an hour sharing. Well, I'll be honest I left probably 20 minutes early. It was 90 minutes which felt like a long time to me? And I feel like maybe I didn't totally need this which is good? It was a mixture of women with primary and secondary infertility, some of whom felt like they were in more dire situations than I am. I always feel badly when that makes me feel a little better, or a little more hopeful. But, I gue...

 Today was a fun day - we spent the morning at my friend's house with a bunch of my other friends and their kids. There was one 4 year old, one 3 year old, two 2 year olds, one 1 year old, and 3 babies under 1.  I struggled though. One of my friends' wives is pregnant and due in March. I couldn't congratulate her, and I couldn't help feeling sad. I could tell my husband felt the same way when I shared the news with him.  I have also been trying to work through this resource I saw shared on Instagram called the Hustle Sanely Workbook. I thought it would be helpful to set some goals for myself to help balance work and my personal life but I wonder if it is making me feel worse, or if I'm doing that to myself? I don't feel positive about a lot of things. I have a few hobbies like reading, but not a whole lot of wide interests. We don't travel a lot - for multiple reasons - and it makes me feel like we're the only ones sometimes. My body isn't something ...

 My Pregnancy After Loss app congratulated me yesterday for making it to 6 weeks.  It doesn't feel like I am pregnant. I don't have any symptoms unless you count my gums hurting like hell and heartburn today. I don't think my boobs hurt, I'm not nauseous, and I think I've been tired from the stress I am carrying. I am starting to feel like I am blaming myself a lot. Like, should I have just given up caffeine? When I make coffee at home I have 1 Kcup a day. If I go out I get a smaller size when pregnant or get half decaf if that's an option (or both). That seems reasonable, but now I feel like I should have just sworn it off completely. I've also been googling and trying to research a lot about TPO Antibodies. That was the one area I tested "abnormally" in so far, and I guess I'm just really holding on to hope that maybe getting my thyroid fixed will be my cure to have a baby. I even saw someone on Reddit say they thought it related to their AMH...

 This morning started with a phone call from the OB's office after I dropped my son off at daycare. They asked if anyone had called last night to explain my results and I replied that no one did. The nurse apologized (the nurses at my OB office are angels) and explained that there was no cardiac activity, but there was a sac which could be normal for my stage of pregnancy. As a result, she would talk to the OB to determine next steps. The OB sent me a message saying that she wanted to see me come in earlier than my planned ultrasound, at about 7 weeks to do another ultrasound, where they would expect to see a heartbeat.  Later, the nurse called to schedule that appointment. Of course, I would be 7 weeks on a Saturday, but she said she would look into getting me in that day and get back to me. Eventually, she called back and we found a time on the following Monday where my husband would be available to come with me. I really wanted him there if possible because the last 3 ultra...

 Well, today started with getting the results of my HCG blood draw from last night. The numbers were not even close to doubling over the last 72+ hours. My doctor's office reached out a few hours later, and told me they wanted me to get in for an ultrasound ASAP because she was concerned about an ectopic. I explained that the scheduler had told me there was no availability, and she said it was marked as a "stat" order so they would fit me in. Yet another mistake by that scheduler that made me so frustrated. Thankfully my husband was off work early today so I went after he got home. I had to wait over an hour. I ended up calling the OB's office, where the same nurse said she was waiting to see my results, and would call down to see if she could get me in faster. I was admitted back right after that. The ultrasound was sort of painful and took like 20 minutes. It is uncomfortable and sad. She told me I would get the results that day. I also got the results of my genetic...

 Well, I called my OB's office almost immediately after they opened this morning, asking the doctor to please take a look at my lab results from my HCG. It was done on a Friday, and I had been worried all weekend by the numbers not doubling.  I didn't get a call back until around 2, where the nurse explained that the numbers had not increased like they had hoped, and they had to rule out that it was an ectopic pregnancy. I have to go in for an ultrasound in the next day or 2, and get another HCG blood draw.  This felt exactly like what had happened last time. Last time, I wasn't being monitored so I didn't have any appointments until I was 7 weeks. This time, I had 4 HCGs and knew something was wrong at 5 weeks instead. But, both times they did the same sort of thing. I am frustrated that I have to go to radiology for the ultrasound, since the technicians aren't allowed to tell you anything and I'll need another follow up appointment with the OB to figure out th...

 I'm not entirely sure where to start, but I guess I will start with my son. My husband and I started trying for our first baby after our delayed Covid wedding and honeymoon in July 2021. We had been married for a year at that point, and together for 9 years.  I was surprised how little I knew about how to try and have a baby. I had asked my OBGYN at my last appointment, and she had suggested basically taking a prenatal vitamin, tracking my cycle, and trying on days 8, 10, 12, 14 and 16. I wish I could go back to the naivete I had then!  Despite the little I knew, we ended up getting pregnant in September 2021. I remember taking the test when I woke up in the morning before my husband, and sent him a text image of it because I was so surprised and unsure what to do.  We shared with our families at 8 weeks after our first ultrasound, with friends a little later after that, and to everyone around 13 weeks along. We made a cute social media post with our dog Reggie, and...