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Pregnancy #4: 6w5d

 Well, I think my problem right now is I don't even know what is wrong with me.

I tried a virtual support group from Postpartum Support International, on recommendation by my therapist. I had talked about how I did a virtual support group for 4 weeks on Zoom, but wasn't able to do another with the schedule and she told me they have free sessions available. 

I was surprised how scared I was when the session started. There were like 15 of us there. The leader talked about types of illnesses like postpartum depression and types of infertility and then we spent an hour sharing. Well, I'll be honest I left probably 20 minutes early. It was 90 minutes which felt like a long time to me? And I feel like maybe I didn't totally need this which is good?

It was a mixture of women with primary and secondary infertility, some of whom felt like they were in more dire situations than I am. I always feel badly when that makes me feel a little better, or a little more hopeful. But, I guess it is just true that I am not in the same situation, and it's different. 

It did surprise me that what came out of my mouth when it was time to share was more about my frustration with the unknowns of my miscarriages, fear of not giving my son a sibling, and the loss of control over so many aspects of my life. I didn't really talk about the specifics of my miscarriages and didn't realize it until after I had shared. 

Does this mean I am feeling better about these things? I do think I am a little bit. It was so incredibly hard to have a due date so close to so many people and then lose it. Right now, I'm starting to see people sharing pregnancy announcements for the second due date I had, and that is hard, I will admit. I had a friend share one with me and it was hard to get excited for her, and I'm thankful it was over text. 

But, I do think that sounds accurate that most of what I'm struggling with is the waiting periods and the unknowns. 

  1. This waiting period from my last ultrasound to this next one is brutal. I really wish there was a different way to do this. I am going to ask about it at the appointment. 
  2. The waiting period I believe I will have now if this is a loss - waiting for the "removal", waiting to recover, waiting to test, not sure if I should try again or prioritize getting the testing done.
  3. The loss of control over so many things: age gap between siblings, making my body stay pregnant, my job, timing of all of this
  4. Fears: If I can't give my son a sibling, if I can't be pregnant again, if I can't have another baby, if something is really wrong with me, if we can't afford what we need to do to have a baby, only having one child 

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