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8/17

 Not going to lie, this weekend has been a struggle.

I've been emotional all weekend. Some of that I'm sure is due to the hormonal things happening with my D&C, the emotional toll with the third loss, but also with going back to work and feeling the mom guilt of losing so much time with Cooper.

This summer he got to sleep until 7:30, have breakfast in PJs, watch Paw Patrol before he decided what he wanted to eat, played with his toys almost whenever he wanted, got to do a sports class, go on a family vacation, spend lots of time outside and see friends.

Now, we adjust back to work schedule. Meaning he will have to be up by 6:45, out the door at 7:00. Mondays he will be with my mom, which is good, but I also worry about how my mom will do with it. He is an active 3 year old, and she's not comfortable taking him anywhere or leaving her dog alone, and I'm not sure how he will do playing inside all day. But, the good news is it's only once a week, and next year he'll be in preschool full time. 

Then, I pick him up from my mom's around 4:10, or from daycare around 4:30. We get home, I make dinner, and then we have about 2 hours to spend together. So really I see him from about 6:45-7:15, and 4:30-8:00. It feels so wrong.

I do enjoy working, but with the environment my work has had for the last year especially, and coupled with my infertility, it feels like such a burden. I am not looking forward to going to work tomorrow at all, which is not usually the case.

I also am struggling with my attitude I guess? I talked to my husband about how I am always a little sad everyday. How I can't imagine not having 2 kids. And how I feel like something must be really wrong. I'm not sure how he can be so positive - he says how he knows things will get better, or at least be different. And how we will find a solution. He says he doesn't focus on the doom and gloom and just thinks positively.

I struggle with that so much. My mind immediately goes to sad and worried and anxious. It's hard for me to think positively. I was feeling so positively about the baby, feeling like this was the one that would stick, but it didn't help. And I don't think I feel any better about it. For some reason I can't send that positive energy I had into this stage.

I just can't imagine how I will ever feel happy again until I have another baby, and all of this is over. 

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