Infertility Journey of Nikki

 I'm not sure how to describe how I feel tonight. I reached out to a few people and I feel like it makes me sadder. I am just annoyed and frustrated that I am still in this place - number one in this situation without a baby when I wanted one, second without a complete answer for why my babies keep dying, and third still in this high functioning depression - where I am always at least a little sad, and when my day slows down I focus on how sad I am. What has been hard lately is comparing myself. My mother in law and I spoke candidly the other day, and I told her a little bit of what has been new lately, and she has been going through cancer treatment for the last year, and has had a good prognosis recently. She talked about how every day she has to choose between faith and fear, and I ended up crying. I can't choose faith. I don't think I'm pessimistic, but I'm just always sad and frustrated. I can't be the positive person looking on the bright side or believing...

 Well, this week I think we completed all of our testing, and now we wait for all of the results, and for our consult in a week. On Tuesday, I was supposed to have a saline ultrasound. However, I got there and found out the doctor changed her mind and I only needed a 3D ultrasound of my uterus. I also had some bloodwork done as well. I did have a bit of a panic attack to be honest. I logged in to my RE portal later, and saw my blood test results from last week. My AMH had gone down from 0.996 to 0.5. I truly couldn't catch my breath and felt like something was sitting on my chest. From my googling, it seems like AMH is only a little piece of the picture, but my FSH is also high, which ChatGPT told me is a sign of diminished ovarian reserve. I have so many questions but it is so hard to keep track of them. Does this mean anything for my general health? Is my fertile window ending? Do I have no good eggs left? Will I not even be able to be a candidate for IVF? I'm honestly so wor...

 It's been a long stressful week for me. Infertility updates: A couple days ago, I had my follicular ultrasound done at the RE's office, and some bloodwork. It looks like my FSH is on the high side from the results. I don't know my follicle count yet since they haven't shared it in the portal. I'm worried that I have a diminished ovarian reserve. My understanding of this is that I have less eggs than anticipated, so they are likely not as good of quality as well, which I guess kind of explains why I am having issues. I am worried then that I won't respond very well to IVF treatment and may only get a few eggs or none? I am trying not to spiral and Google but it's been really hard not to and it's making me sad. Next week I have SIS ultrasound to evaluate my uterus and all of that, and my hysteroscopy and biopsy as well with my OB. I had bloodwork done at both the RE and my regular office as well. I'm trying to see if I did everything I need to, and if...

 I haven't posted in a while, because I haven't feel like I have had time to breathe in the last 2 weeks.  Since my last therapy appointment, I had an endocrinologist appointment. She explained that I should monitor my TSH levels given everything that's been going on and the TPO antibodies. I did test above the normal threshold for TSH, so I started taking medication for my thyroid recently.  In addition, I had my regular yearly physical with my doctor. It felt kind of annoying, because all she could really offer was to let her know if I want psychiatric help or medication. I did end up crying when the nurse asked when my last period was.  Then, this week we had our consult with the RE. Basically, she followed up with what happened with the last miscarriage and what my endocrinologist said. She recommended completing my diagnostic testing and then she would likely recommend IVF due to 2 of the losses likely having a chromosomal issue, and my age with having this happ...

 I've spent the last few days maybe feeling better? But, now it's hard to not spiral down the Google rabbit hole of IVF.  I had my follow up appointment from my 3rd D&C a few days ago. I found out that the baby was a girl (again), and they were triploidy - they got 46 chromosomes from me, 23 from my husband. It feels good in a way that there was a clear answer that the baby did not make it - instead of seeing a "normal" baby and wondering why that would happen. But, I feel like IVF is inevitable? I don't know that yet, but with having this baby have a chromosomal issue, and my first loss likely having one as well, it seems like that is my only option? My OB is going to do the hysteroscopy and biopsy to rule anything out with that. My RE asked that I monitor my HCG levels until they get to 0, and send over any records from this last pregnancy before they see me again.  I'm assuming the RE will do their final uterine evaluation, have my husband do his semen ...