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9/1

 I've spent the last few days maybe feeling better? But, now it's hard to not spiral down the Google rabbit hole of IVF. 

I had my follow up appointment from my 3rd D&C a few days ago. I found out that the baby was a girl (again), and they were triploidy - they got 46 chromosomes from me, 23 from my husband. It feels good in a way that there was a clear answer that the baby did not make it - instead of seeing a "normal" baby and wondering why that would happen. But, I feel like IVF is inevitable? I don't know that yet, but with having this baby have a chromosomal issue, and my first loss likely having one as well, it seems like that is my only option?

My OB is going to do the hysteroscopy and biopsy to rule anything out with that. My RE asked that I monitor my HCG levels until they get to 0, and send over any records from this last pregnancy before they see me again. 

I'm assuming the RE will do their final uterine evaluation, have my husband do his semen analysis, and test any final hormone levels I need tested. I am assuming we will also do the sperm DNA fragmentation, but I know it's expensive. 

What I'm feeling right now is like an anomaly. I have never heard of anyone needing IVF for a second pregnancy but not a first. I don't understand how my egg quality could have decreased so much in such a short time. Was my son a miracle? Or did something happen to me? 

It's also really overwhelming thinking about IVF. I feel like I'm going to earn a Master's Degree with all of the research and learning I need to do for this. I'm afraid of it a bit too.

I know, I don't even know if I'm doing it yet, but it still is scary. 

My husband is afraid to have sex with me to completion for fear of a pregnancy, so we're being creative in that way. But, I do understand his fears. I haven't gotten my period yet, but I imagine it'll be strange not tracking my ovulation for the first time in a long time. 

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