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9/29

 I'm not sure how to describe how I feel tonight. I reached out to a few people and I feel like it makes me sadder.

I am just annoyed and frustrated that I am still in this place - number one in this situation without a baby when I wanted one, second without a complete answer for why my babies keep dying, and third still in this high functioning depression - where I am always at least a little sad, and when my day slows down I focus on how sad I am.

What has been hard lately is comparing myself. My mother in law and I spoke candidly the other day, and I told her a little bit of what has been new lately, and she has been going through cancer treatment for the last year, and has had a good prognosis recently. She talked about how every day she has to choose between faith and fear, and I ended up crying. I can't choose faith. I don't think I'm pessimistic, but I'm just always sad and frustrated. I can't be the positive person looking on the bright side or believing things will turn around. And faith wise, I've never been religious, but this experience certainly hasn't made me want to lean any more into faith - quite the opposite. My brother in law had a competition for the athletics he is involved in, and ended up not doing well and yet his attitude is so positive - he embraces the growth he has made, is proud of himself, and looks on the positive of his trip. I just am not that person. It makes me sad but I'm not. I'm not proud of my body or myself. People say I'm so strong but I don't have a fucking choice - I have a son to take care of, a job to keep, and a life to live. I'd love to lay on my couch for hours everyday and just turn my brain off, but I can't. 

It also makes me sad that this week is one year since I found out I was pregnant with my second baby, my first loss. It doesn't feel good to be at this anniversary, one year since the beginning of this disaster. 

Again I am back at that feeling that nothing will fix this but having a baby, and I don't even know if that's possible. 

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