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Pregnancy #4: 6w1d

 My Pregnancy After Loss app congratulated me yesterday for making it to 6 weeks. 

It doesn't feel like I am pregnant.

I don't have any symptoms unless you count my gums hurting like hell and heartburn today. I don't think my boobs hurt, I'm not nauseous, and I think I've been tired from the stress I am carrying.

I am starting to feel like I am blaming myself a lot. Like, should I have just given up caffeine? When I make coffee at home I have 1 Kcup a day. If I go out I get a smaller size when pregnant or get half decaf if that's an option (or both). That seems reasonable, but now I feel like I should have just sworn it off completely.

I've also been googling and trying to research a lot about TPO Antibodies. That was the one area I tested "abnormally" in so far, and I guess I'm just really holding on to hope that maybe getting my thyroid fixed will be my cure to have a baby. I even saw someone on Reddit say they thought it related to their AMH dropping, and mine was on the low side as well. But, I don't have any other irregularities in my thyroid testing, or any symptoms that I'm aware of. Plus, in typical "research about women's health" fashion, there is no great research on why doctors believe TPO antibodies can lead to higher rates of miscarriage, but they believe it does. Wonderful.

Generally I've been less upset daily since my last therapy appointment, where I felt like I let out A LOT of feelings in an hour and had to emotionally recover from it for a day or two. It feels like time is crawling until my appointment in 8 days. I don't really like the doctor I have to see, but I am relieved my husband can go this time so I won't be alone, and I know he will stand up for me if it's needed.

I guess what I want out of this appointment is:

1. A definitive answer: is this viable or not? I really don't want to wait another 2 weeks like last time, when it seemed pretty clear from the beginning. 

2. I would love to avoid a third D&C procedure, but I'm not sure what the options are at this time frame if it is not viable.

3. Any insight the doctor has into the thyroid test results. 

4. Ultimately, I want a baby. It just doesn't feel like it's happening this time. And if so, I want to see the RE again in person ideally, and discuss how this changes her plan for me, any other testing I need to plan for and get that going as soon as possible.

Another thing I am really stressing about is working while dealing with this. Teaching is not a job where I can take phone calls all day for appointments. It's also stressful taking off, although I care less and less about it when it is my own health and I hate my boss. It's also just a tiring job especially in August/September, and I already feel so overwhelmed and stressed. 

I really do feel like this is a punishment for something I have done. 

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