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8/22

 I had therapy yesterday, and the thing that stuck out to me most was some perspective my therapist gave me.

It came up when we talked about how we won't be trying for a baby next month, because we are going to focus instead on testing and finding some answers. My therapist pointed out that it has literally been a full calendar year of being pregnant and not over and over again.

September 2024 - pregnant with baby 2

December 2024 - loss #1

March 2025 - pregnant with baby 3 

May 2025 - loss #2

July 2025 - pregnant with baby 4

August 2025 - loss #3

Basically, she was saying while of course the mental and emotional toll has been a lot over a year, it's also been tough physically on my body for an entire year. I haven't had a break from trying for a baby in almost a year and a half. So, while it stresses me to not be actively trying next month, it will be interesting mentally to not test my ovulation, not worry about timing sex, not worry about keeping my body perfectly safe like avoiding alcohol. 

Instead she said to focus on things I can control outside of trying for a baby.

So, the first thing that came to mind was focusing on making my nights and weekends with Cooper as fun and loving as I can. I can focus on my mental health and physical health. I can focus on work when I am at work. 

This has just been incredibly hard, and I think I downplay it a bit to make myself able to cope and feel better, but it is truly tremendous. I hope next month is full of focus on myself with a dash of fertility testing getting done. 

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