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Loss #3

 Yesterday I had my 8 week follow up ultrasound. I had a new OB I hadn't seen before, and I did really like her. She was very interested in hearing my whole history with my son, HELLP syndrome, my c-section, and losses. She was very optimistic about the appointment.

The ultrasound started and she even told me I have a retroverted uterus which no one has told me before. 

Unfortunately, when she got to the baby, it had stopped developing and did not have a heartbeat anymore. I think my immediate reactions were surprise and anger, but I started crying and couldn't stop when she had to find another doctor to confirm her findings. Again, thankfully my husband was there this time. 

Today I am feeling angry. I am sick of hearing that this could be bad luck. That literally makes no sense to me that something that happens like this would happen 3 times in a row. That is not luck. And now I am stuck in this waiting period again. My surgery is in 3 days, and my follow up appointment is in a month. So I won't really be able to move forward with anything else for probably another 5 weeks or so. 

This time, I do not want to try again when I get my period back. I want to go through all my notes again and do all of the testing. I think the RE will have me come in for another consult, and determine what this might change. 

I felt sick last night. I couldn't sleep after my son woke up from a nightmare at midnight for hours. I feel guilty for being not present during one of our last few days of summer together. I was also stressed about my classroom and being able to get everything set up, but now I know the surgery is Friday so I have Wednesday and Thursday to set up. 

I also feel like I am past a point where anyone I know can relate to or understand me. I do not know anyone who has had 3 losses in a row. I feel very isolated in that way.

I am also stressed about returning to work. It sounds so overwhelming to be working, taking care of my family, and dealing with my health at the same time. 

These are my notes:

  • Next:

    • OB: Hysteroscopy with biopsy for endometritis day 5-12 of cycle

    • RE: Meet for another consult 

      • RE: Ask about hemoglobin electrophoresis, adrenal antibody, follow up with thyroid antibodies, retroverted uterus, AMH

    • RE: Carter needs semen analysis and bloodwork

    • RE: Determine whether to do sperm dna fragmentation testing 

    • RE: (previous recommendations)

      • Baseline ultrasound and hormone testing - day ¾ of cycle

      • Infectious disease panel

      • Rubella/Varicella titer

      • CBC

      • FemVue cavity evaluation - day 6-12 of cycle

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