8/13

 I guess I was happy with myself today. I've been keeping the news to myself. Not sure why. I did email my therapist and tell her, and I ended up telling a few friends and my boss because she came in when I was working in my classroom. 

I am feeling so sad. But sad because I can't be happy until this is over. I do not know how I can feel happy with my life and with myself until I have another child. And now it feels like the chances of that happening are getting smaller and smaller. I do not know how I can move on from this.

I am angry that I do not have answers. I am sick of hearing that it is bad luck. It does not make sense to me. I am so angry this keeps happening.

Was Cooper a miracle baby? Did something happen to me in my body after Cooper was born? Why isn't this something we know more about medically? 

No one understands completely how this feels. I know people do, but I wish I just had someone who got it completely.

My mom changes the subject when I bring things up, especially to her own problems which pisses me off. I worry that my husband is more upset than he lets on. 

This is all just fucked.